About Anais Nin, Franco-American writer (1903-1977) we could say many things and we would surely fall into many contradictions. Her love life was dizzying and while for some first date she may be a symbol of sexual liberation, for others she was a person with a sex addiction that was not experienced as such by Anais herself by legitimizing her from the “I” deeper into her. Be that as it may, Anais Nin has left us in her legacy a phrase that gives us a lot: “Things are not as they are, but as we are”. This “as we are”, although it has an essence that lasts a lifetime, should not be immutable. People have to evolve, learn, transform ourselves… Any process of change can be a starting point for this personal evolution towards a better version of ourselves. Therefore,
1) Know how I am and what I want
When we are looking for a partner, not everyone is going well for us. Depending on the personal moment in which we are, we may be interested in a more or less stable relationship. We must keep this in mind ourselves, but the person we are meeting must also know. Defining our interests helps us not to make the wrong choices, not to invest time in relationships that cannot provide us with what we need at all times. It is, in short, about knowing who we are and what we want in order to be able to choose who we want by our side and for what… It seems very ambitious but it is not so much. Sometimes it is enough to identify two or three essential aspects for us and open ourselves up to meet a person who can offer them to us. For example: a mountain lover, who wants to have children soon and who is open to living in a rural environment.
2) Constructive thinking
Let’s situate ourselves in the moment before the first date. We may have a lot, little or almost no information about the person we will meet. Be that as it may, a high mental activity is guaranteed, making assumptions about how the person will be, how the first date will go, how we can dress, how to act if we like it, if not… It is normal to have this internal debate, but be careful with its tone. If our thinking is negative, pessimistic and catastrophic, we are conditioning ourselves for our first date to be a disaster.
On the contrary, if our thinking is positive and constructive, we will be approaching the appointment with a greater probability of success. It’s not that we’re kidding ourselves, but what we will project to the person will be more or less pleasant depending on our previous inner experience. Can you imagine what a disaster not being able to seduce a person who has seemed charming to us because from the outset we have transmitted a few positive vibrations, due to our negative thoughts prior to the date? It can happen, because…
3) The first impression is generated during the first 30 seconds
From Blind Dates we always say: “There are not two opportunities to create a good first impression”… So, try to arrive at the date having put fears and negative thoughts aside and projecting a good image and personal security.
4) Physical appearance is the gateway
We all know that the truly important thing about people is inside, but also that if there is no physical attraction, we cannot speak of a loving couple but of friendship. Therefore, try to dress to make a good impression. Personal hygiene, clothing that corresponds to us and a fragrance appropriate to the occasion are enough. Avoid projecting what you are not. You can exploit your sensuality within your usual style.
5) Verbal and non-verbal language
Don’t get obsessed with not leaving any space of time in silence. The looks, the smiles, a gesture of shyness… All these elements are also language; a very powerful language that, sometimes, seduces more than a few well-said words. Pay attention to your gestures, body position, eye contact and, if appropriate, physical contact. When we talk about physical contact, we do not mean a sexual approach, but those small interactions that we will or will not do depending on whether we perceive that they are well received. We are talking about contacts such as: accompanying the couple to pass with a light contact on the arm or waist, helping them to put on their jacket, touching their arm as a symbol of focusing attention and/or establishing proximity… Try not to put on defensive, neither with words nor with gesture. Don’t misunderstand If a comment disconcerts or annoys you, let the emotion pass and later calmly ask what has not been clear to you. Your partner is not passing any test, try to enjoy and not feel questioned or judged.
6) The ice breaks between the two
Don’t take on the responsibility of breaking the ice on your own. The first moments can be filled with smiling, making comments about what the environment is like and how you have come to have that first date. Then you have to show interest in the other person without falling into a police interrogation… Remember to show yourself as you are but without falling into exaggeration, neither with words nor with gestures. Don’t let your nerves make you overreact…
7) Explosive combination: conversation, sense of humor and flirtation…
A conversation is like a tennis match, the ball goes from one player to another without much delay, with a more or less regular rhythm. There are balls that go higher, others that skim the net, balls that go out and have to be picked up, balls that fail to cross to the other side of the field, balls that are lost… And in each of these interactions we can mix small doses of humor, smiles, eye drops and “emoticons” of all kinds. The flirtation can be made space as the conversation progresses and trust is generated.
8) Forbidden topics (in depth)
As a general rule, you should not talk about former partners. Neither from the mother or the father of the children, if there are any. It is a time to talk about the two of you and not about third parties. This does not mean that if we are asked a question we should refuse to answer it or that we should be defensive, but it is advisable to give a short and closed answer and then elegantly change the subject. Life episodes marked by traumatic events are not recommended to touch on a first date. Neither is talking about politics, religion or football. At least in a heated way. They are areas in which emotion and reason debate each other and can lead us to tense situations that are not recommended on a first date.
9) Strengths and originality
Once you have overcome the stage of breaking the ice and the more general topics of knowledge, you have to try to arouse the interest of the other person. We can do it by sharing some particularity that makes us unique. We can talk about our supportive, adventurous, self-taught side… Try not to turn it into a monologue. Pay attention to the questions that the other person may ask you about it and do not forget to be interested in their contributions.
10) Enjoy the moment and… forget about the mobile!
Going well on a date requires focus on the person and the present moment. Looking at your mobile from time to time is, apart from being disrespectful, a distraction that will make you lose connection with the person in front of you. If you can not resist passing “the part” to a friend or friend you can escape to the bathroom for a moment. This coming and going will also be part of the appointment. Your partner will take the opportunity to get a general idea of your physical appearance and the way you walk.